Wednesday, 20 March 2013


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WORDS | Thea Halpin

1. Wear Colourful Pants

I love a good pair of purple pants on a man.  Once habit of only hipsters and clowns, colourful pants are slowly being accepted into mainstream society and I say “about time!”  It has been a long road for trousers in all the colours of the rainbow.  Years of marginalization and stereotyping have finally resulted in tangible societal change.   I am currently in the midst of a love affair with colourful pants due to a lecturer of mine who wears a different pair each week and Hamish McDonald (host of channel Ten’s Late News) who quite enjoys a mustard moment every now and again.  There used to be a customer who came into my work who would wear pink pants occasionally.  In order to distinguish him from another customer with the same name I used to refer to him as “Pink Pants” to my workmates.  He no longer comes in (for entirely unrelated reasons to my nickname).  I do miss those pink pants though…

2. Engage in Bromances

Mutual man-love is the most pure form of love.  It is so beautiful and touching.  Man love seems void of all the bitching and competition that seems to plague friendships composed of two pairs of x-chromosomes. As close as two women can be (and they can be very close) there just seems like there is an unspoken closeness in a male friendship, beneath all the beer and boob talk.   I’m so jealous of bros.  I want to be one of the bros.  As great as my girl friends are, they will never be the J.D to my Turk; the Bert to my Ernie; Matt Damon to my Ben Affleck.  For once I want a friendship where the other party doesn’t expect me to decode what every text message or passing comment means.  Unless guys do this too, in which case we all suck.

3. Pee Sitting Down

This one may seem weird but hear me out.  Who decided that men should pee standing up?  Seriously whose idea was it?  After living with men for years can I please ask why you insist on standing up if you can’t aim?  After the genius inventor of vertically peeing missed the first time, you think he would give up.  But no, he goes and tells all his friends and now there is urine on my bathroom floor at 7:00am and I am sick and tired of it!  Firstly, you have a pointer.  And secondly, it’s not like it is a super small target.  But alas you miss.  I understand that it may be harder than it seems (I personally have never attempted and do not have the means to do so) but if you can’t get it in, please just sit down.  It isn’t as if anyone is going to see you anyway.  You are in the privacy of a bathroom!  If anything I will applaud you for maintaining an appropriate level of hygiene in a communal space.  Think about it.

4. Grow Beards

I’m totally kidding.  Girls hate that.

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